The Fear of Failure

Hello everyone!

Today I had a little incident while practicing parking, and it made me think a lot about who I am as a perfectionist, and my struggles coping with failure. With the school year approaching us fast, I thought it would be worthwhile to share my thoughts on the matter, and ponder how I can become "So much better" this year just like Elle Woods!

So, I know that this is going to sound super "high school cliche", but I'm really nervous about passing my driving test. Here in Canada, we have a graduated licensing system, which basically means that even though I'm sixteen, almost seventeen, I still can't drive with out a licensed adult in the car with me. Now, I'm a pretty okay driver, but the one thing I cannot do for the life of me, is back into a parking space. I don't know why! The date of my driving test is approaching fast, and if I can't park backwards, I'm going to fail! And if I fail it means that I'm not going to be able to drive myself to Sound of Music rehearsals, which was the transportation commitment my parents made me make while signing up for the show.

I know this is a small thing, but I think my feelings of anxiety towards this really project what my feelings are like going through life at school for me.

I mentioned in my first blog post that I was a perfectionist when it came to theatre, and I feel like I need to rephrase that: I'm a perfectionist especially when it comes to theatre- not just. I don't believe that everything needs to be perfect- because in all honesty, perfection is impossible, but I'm always constantly pushing myself as hard as I can to work towards it. The idea of failure or the possibility of failing is something that really scares me- in any aspect of my life.

I wasn't always like this, but I started really becoming a perfectionist a few years ago during a tough time in my life, when I began to use my school studies (along with play rehearsal) as coping mechanisms. Studying gave me something else to focus on. I could put my all into my school work because even if my social and home life was shitty, I'd have good grades. Fast forward two years later, and I'm no longer pushing for just good grades- I'm pushing for 100% course averages. I'm pushing for perfection.

I know what you're thinking: getting good grades and play rehearsal are good coping mechanisms- at least you're not smoking pot! Yes, my parents thank me for that, and thank me for the nice averages, but pushing myself sort of spawned a little monster inside of me. The idea of failing- even if its just something like my driving test, which I can retake as many times as I want, scares me to death. It causes me to panic! Those butterflies I have before a performance aren't just from the thought of me messing up my line, its about not putting on anything less than a perfect performance (which spoiler: never happens in live theatre!).

For my last year of school, although I want to continue to push myself for great grades, but I don't want to get anxious over the small imperfections in my life.

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Another pretty big thing that happened today was I said goodbye to my last friend that's going off to university! I see now that its more important than ever to continue to try and make friends with my cast members... and maybe look for something more with the guy who plays the Captain! Speaking of which, I know I told you guys I'd talk about the hot guy who's playing the Captain to my Maria in this post, but I think I'm going to save that for tomorrow!

Thanks for reading!

Rosalie <3